I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
