The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
