I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
