is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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