i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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