Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
