People in love make me want to vomit
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
