honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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