I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
