We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
