Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
