do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
