I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
