I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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