Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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