My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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