get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
