dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
