I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
