woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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