I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
