I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
