She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
