Yo dont text me then not text me
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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