you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
