I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
