I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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