Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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