my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
