come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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