we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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