i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So here I am, sexting at work.
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