You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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