Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
