Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
