I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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