it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
