Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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