Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Randomize
