I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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