If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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