phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
