So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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