her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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