I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
