He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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