you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize