I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize