Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
