I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
