So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
