If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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