I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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