I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
