oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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