It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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