He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
