i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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