what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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