Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
