if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
