I forgot how hot balto sounded
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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