Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
