Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
